Thursday, 21 January 2010

Searching for hope

Life has proved to have the struggles, trials, and temptations that were assured to us by Jesus. But just as assuredly as we experience tribulation, we trust in the promises that He "has overcome the world".
The last month has definitely been a challenging one for me. I feel as though I have been hit by some severe blows, and each time I pick myself up, I get knocked down again. But, I'm finding that in the picking up of myself, I am growing stronger. I continually return to the foot of the cross for grace and mercy, seeking wisdom and hope.
More than once I've cried myself to sleep; my eyes blurred by tears, my mind blurred by hopelessness. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially when the tunnel just seems to be getting longer and darker.
Please keep my family in your prayers! The Enemy is definitely attacking and re-attacking. My parents are dealing with multiple stressful situations, and also learning how to lead and pastor a church. (for more specific prayer points please visit my mom's blog:
I am also dealing with the many stresses of not having a job, but having just acquired a car (plus insurance and maintenance fees!). I am waiting to hear back from Toni&Guy Hairdressing Academy about the full-ride scholarship that I applied for, and trying not to get anxious about it. I really don't know what I will do if I do not receive the scholarship (a $17,000 loan isn't really an option for me at this point).
I know that God is sovereign, and that He sees "the big picture", but at times I feel so discouraged and alone. I also know that my feelings, though real, do not define reality. I'm holding on (sometimes just barely) to His promises.

And I believe, that He is able to do abundantly more than I could ever ask or imagine. I just have to keep reminding myself. :)

"And, we know that HOPE does NOT disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out by the Holy Spirit who's been given to us."

"My God shall supply all my needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Saturday, 2 January 2010


Some may wonder what has taken the place of my writing in the last few months. Why I haven't penned the many thoughts that fill my head. Well... sometimes a heart cannot put into words all that is happening. Sometimes circumstances call for a season of silence.

The last several months have proven to be (to some degree) that season, especially the last few weeks. There have been many mornings that I've woken up to mascara stains on my pillow case due to crying myself to sleep. More than one night have I fallen asleep to the plaguing questions of my mind. "God, why is this happening?" "I don't understand. What I am doing here?" But each question was answered with grace. The grip of grace. The kind of grace that makes a dead child sit up in a casket and speak. The kind of grace that isn't seen as heavenly affirmation in spite of sin, but as Holy conviction that leads to right living. That grace. God's taught me a lot about that kind of grace over the last year.
Like in early May, when the most insane circumstances hit my family like a gun shot in dark. It was the grip of grace that allowed us to love despite lies, to forgive despite deep hurt, and see hope even when it none of it made sense.
Or in July, when the things I had planned on fell through. And every attempt I made seemed to come back void. It was graced that carried me through confusion.
In August is was grace that showed me beauty for ashes, and revealed to me that promises really are fulfilled.
In Sept grace was there to move my family to the Island, and me to Bellingham. It was there to sustain my amazing Papa to follow the dreams that God had placed in his heart.
Grace revealed itself once again in December, when all that I had been hoping and planning for was suddenly lost and gone in a moment's notice. That's when the questions began. And that's when grace answered them.
December 28 is when God spoke to me about the grip of grace. It was that day, that i recognized the power of the grace that I had witnessed the whole year.
Grace. It's not a touch. It's not a pat on the back. It's not apathetic or complacent. It's total favor merited to someone totally undeserving. That's the grip of grace. That's what has met me in the silence. That's what I look forward to seeing in the year to come.

Bring it on!